clmnt

I read an article the other day about how writing down a list of your insecurities can help you overcome them. So I gave it a try:

• Being short
• Having an accent
• Having a big forehead
• Growing up poor
• Jack of all trades, good at none
• Never had a long-term relationship

I seriously don’t know how that would help. Instead it makes me feel smaller than ever.

I hate how every time when I feel like someone might be interested in me, all my insecurities kick in and I start doubting myself. Who am I kidding? Who could possibly be interested in me? What do I have to offer? No matter how hard I try or how much I do, I would never be good enough.

They say loving yourself is the first step in getting others to like you, but they didn’t tell you it’s also the hardest step.

Tonight when I was getting gas at the gas station, a guy looked to be in his early 20s approached me and asked if I could give him a ride home just a few miles down the street. It was night time and I’m not too familiar with the area he wanted me to take him to. Being a little guy and taking my safety into account I immediately put my guard up and rejected his request.

The guy went back to the sidewalk and just lingered there. There was a part of me that felt bad about being so quick to judge someone, and after observing him more I felt like I should really give him a chance. Once I finished getting gas, I drove up to him and asked him a few questions to assess whether he really needed the help. I decided to go against my initial judgement and take the risk.

We made small talks in the car. Apparently he has recently moved in town from Arizona and is staying with his dad. He didn’t do well in school and wasn’t able to find a job in Arizona so he moved here hoping for better opportunities. He said he usually takes the bus and transfers at the bus station near the gas station, but didn’t realize the bus he needed doesn’t run on Sundays. His home was only about 2-3 miles down the street. When I dropped him off, he was really appreciative of the ride and offered me a few dollars as my compensation. I refused to take his money and told him not to worry about it. It really was no hassle at all.

On the way back home, I was slightly overwhelmed with emotions. On one hand, I was glad I was able to help someone even though it was a small gesture. On the other hand, I was a little shaken because it was a big risk I took as the whole thing could’ve gone really wrong. But I guess that’s what makes me angry, that that thought even crossed my mind. What would we be if we were so quick to judge others and afraid for our own safety that we wouldn’t even bother extending one another a small helping hand. I have always believed in the good in people. If this was to happen to me years ago, I would have given that guy a ride without given it a second thought. Somehow throughout these years I learned to judge; somehow now I feel like I have something to lose…

I don’t even know why I’m recounting this experience. I guess in a way I want to remind myself that if you know what you believe in is right, then no matter what the world tells you, stay true to what you believe in and don’t lose yourself.

Your result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test …
ENFJ- The Teacher
You scored 55% I to E, 21% N to S, 5% F to T, and 42% J to P!

Your type is known as the teacher, or the educating mentor. You also belong to the larger group, called idealists. You tend to bring out the best in other people. You lead without seeming to do so. People are naturally drawn to you. You expect the very best from people which takes the form of enthusiastic encouragement which is so charming that people try their best not to disappoint you. You share your personality type with 3% of the population.

You need to feel a deep and meaningful connection to your romantic partners, and go to great lengths to understand and please your mate. Harmony is vitally important to you, and you often put others’ needs before your own. You have a pretty thin skin and are easily hurt. Although you strive for harmony, when your values or ethics are violated, you can be very emotional, confrontational, and even punishing. However, you are very insightful about the underlying cause of conflicts, and an excellent communicator, so you have the tools to bring about a quick and peaceful resolution as long as you can keep control of your facilities. You want to be appreciated for your thoughtfulness and compassion. You need your partner to make a real effort to get to know you. Above all, you need to be able to express your feelings and have them taken seriously.

Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: ENFJ

Back when I was in college, I had this one course I needed for my major requirements, and it was only offered once a year. However, it has a pre-requisite course you need to take first. I was in a situation where if I didn’t take that course I needed, I wouldn’t be able to graduate in time. Being an international student and paying out-of-state tuition, I couldn’t afford to go for an extra quarter or year. It was simply not an option for me.

I was so stressed out about it, because I thought I just wouldn’t be able to complete my degree. It was out of my control and there didn’t seem to be any other way. My best friend and roommate at the time convinced me to go talk to the head of visual art department to see if they would let me take the pre-requisite course and the course I needed concurrently. I didn’t think they would bend the rules for me, but I was also desperate, so I went and gave it a try.

The head of department was explicitly strict about the rules regarding courses. However, he was also sympathetic about my situation, and ultimately made an exception for me.

Looking back, one college course in the grand scheme of things in life might not seem like that big of a deal, but I’m forever grateful for his lenience and that one chance he gave me. I’m also thankful for my friend’s encouragement. He taught me that you won’t get what you want in life if you don’t ask/go for it.

Somehow this memory came back to me tonight out of nowhere, and I thought I should keep it here, for myself. As a reminder, and an encouragement for the future.